How to Talk to Your Child and Teen Effectively

Article on How to Talk to Your Child and Teen Effectively.

What kind of voice do you use when talking to your child? This is a very important question. Tis sad but true but I have heard parents talk to their children like their kids were the ones with the power. The parent will ask, uneasily, "Tommy, do you think you could turn off the TV before you leave the room if it's not too much trouble?" Why is the parent asking this in such an unsure voice? What they desire should be put in a polite statement, not in a walking-on-egg-shells question. Some parents request things in timid wondering ways because they do not want a confrontation. They do not want to get in a possible argument. The parent is afraid of the reaction they might get to their request. Maybe Tommy could get angry and say something unkind. Or the parent might be afraid their child will think they are mean and dislike them. Or the parent might feel bad if their child cries.

Kids can be manipulative. A woman I know, who I will call Barb, stopped carpooling with another mom. This is because Barb has a rule, no drinking anything but water in her van. The other mother insisted her son needed a juice box in the car to calm him down from a hard day at school. Barb said he could have it when he got home. But the woman insisted her son said he needed it in the car. Barb told the woman just to tell him, wait till you get home. The woman refused saying her son would cry and that would ruin his day. Barb refused to budge. She told me in a disgusted voice, "Just think, if a not having a juice box in the car is going to ruin his day what other things will ruin his day? Not being able to watch TV when he wants? Eating vegetables at dinner? This parent is setting up her son for unhappiness. A juice box should not ruin his day."

Again kids can be manipulative. If they know you need them to like you they will use this to their advantage. I know a parent who has an only child. Both she and her daughter know her teen can get away with things by saying, "If you don't let me do X I will move out and I will never have contact with you again." The mother does not want this so she gives in to things. But it would be more sensible to call her daughter's bluff. But the mother is too scared to do so. As long as you let your child have the upper hand in situations like this it will be harder to parent your child. Scared parents do not make effective parents.

To be an effective parent be kind but firm. Think now about what kind of voice you normally use with your child when you want them to do something. It should be even toned. It should not be in a brow beaten voice or in quite tone which lacks confidence. Nor should it be in a high pitched whiney voice, like, "Tina, whhhy don't you evver listen to meee? Whyyy don't you ever do whaat I tell you?" Say what you want with self-assurance. Like you expect them to do as you say. Kids will pick up on this. Some kids will push the boundaries. One boy I know told his mother he would not do as she asked because she did not ask politely. Actually she did. He just wanted an out. He has also tried to get out of doing a request by pouting, "You hurt my feeling by the way you asked so I'm not doing it." Do not fall for such traps. If you tell your child to do something politely, let them know you did. Then tell them you expect them to follow through with the request and leave it like that. Do not get in an argument about feelings. Tell them firmly, "I'm not arguing with you about this," and don't. If your child sasses you when you make a request call them on it. Do not ignore it. If they try to turn the tables on a reasonable request, like it is your problem, do not buy into it. Example: In the morning you say to your teen, "I need the car back by 4 to go the bank." Their response, "I told you I needed the car. It's your problem you didn't go to the bank yesterday." Let them know you expect to be treated with respect. Do not let your child be the puppet master in your home.

Now some parents say they are extra nice when talking their child because their child is extra sensitive. Yes, some children are extra sensitive but if you talk baby talk to a six-year-old you are acting younger than them. You are unknowingly, or not, giving them the power. Both of you should talk your age. If you set up this candy sweet tone of voice with your child early on it is going to be harder to stop later. Your child will be used to this voice. Later when you do start telling them to do things in a normal voice they might complain that you are being mean. But you are not. You are finally talking to them as the parent, not as an equal or as a baby. If you are in this baby talk predicament now do not let your child manipulate you when you stop. I know one parent who finally decided to stop requesting things from his daughter like this. She did not like it and told him she would not speak to him until he started talking nicely to her again. In times like this be cool. Calm. Collected. Tell your child you know how to talk nicely. That you are talking nicely, and that she is old enough to be talked to in a normal voice.

In conclusion, stop and listen to how you speak, and act, toward your child. Because this is what you are teaching them. If you do not want a whiney child do not whine yourself. If you want them to talk with poise and confidence do so yourself. With this article hopefully now you have gained new knowledge on How to Talk to Your Child and Teen Effectively.