Why it is Important to Talk to Your Kids, Part 2

Food for thought: Does your child not disclose their real feelings because they think you would disapprove of them? Children no matter what they say, like to be approved of. Let us say you are a high powered lawyer and you feel cheerleading is beneath you, so you tell your daughter when you see a cheerleader, "Why would anyone want to be a cheerleader? It is not like they do anything useful. All they do is jump and down like idiots." Now if your daughter has a secret dream to be a cheerleader, do you think she is going to share this idea with a mother who feels that way? So if she secretly tries out for the squad and does not make it, why would she tell you she is depressed about it? You might just tell her it was a big waste of time anyway. Never belittle a child's dream, even if it is not a dream you would choose for yourself. Remember your child is not you.

Kids can hide their feelings from parents for different reasons. They feel they will not understand; they do not think their parent can help solve the problem; what is the point; the child does not want to be a burden (such as his mother is going through a divorce with his father and she is already stressed out so why trouble her with X.). Watch for signs of loneliness, anger or depression. Does your child hide out in their room talking to no one? Do they spend a lot of time alone at school? Do they slam doors repeatedly in frustration? Do they weep for no apparent reason? You can not make your child talk to you. But you can reach out to them.

Last remark: I have heard a few parents complain, "I was close to my mother growing up and shared what was going on in my life with her, so why doesn't my child do the same thing with me?" Answer: Your child is not you. Maybe you’re extroverted where your child tends to be shy and private.

Why it is Important to Talk to Your Kids, Part 1

Too bad kids do not have signs that appear on their forehead that say how they feel. "I am depressed." "I feel like a loser." "I feel lonely." "I hate being me." "I hate my life." I feel devastated because I did not make the football team." If kids had forehead signs to show how they feel it would make life easier. But they do not. So you have to look for other signs. Like behavioral ones. You should make a genuine effort to talk to your kids to find out what’s going on. Not just ask them how school is as you are reading the morning newspaper.

Some problems if you knew about you could actually help with, such as your child is seriously depressed. If you knew this you would take your child to see a doctor. You could also help out if you knew, or took some time to know, about how badly your daughter wants to be a cheerleader. You could get someone to help her out with some cheer moves. Maybe you have a friend's daughter who is a cheerleader or has taken a lot of dance classes. If so get her to teach your daughter some moves. Or you can enroll your daughter in cheerleading camp. If you can not afford this then rent how to DVD's on cheerleading. Another problem that you could help with, if you took time to notice, is if your young child seems lonely. Teach your child how to make friends Watch how he interacts with other kids. Maybe other children do not like to play with him because they find him annoying. Does your child pester other kids? Does he ask too many questions or complain a lot? (Why do we have to play here? Why do we have to play that way? Why can't I go first? I don't like the rules.)

Part 5: Sugar and Kids

Things you can do to reduce white sugar intake in your home. With some desserts you can substitute the needed white sugar ingredient with something else. Get a cook book on it. Also, some fruits alone are sweet tasting. You can offer these types of fruits as a dessert. You can make Mondays and Wednesdays tasty fruit dessert night. Serve mangos slices. Nectarine slices. Cut up watermelon. (Some children are more inclined to eat fruit if it's sliced or cut up.) Fresh strawberries. Blueberries. Dried apricots. Dried peaches. Don't serve fruit that your child isn't keen about. This defeats the purpose of getting your child to see fruit as a tasty dessert. In other countries other than the U.S. fruit actually is considered a dessert.

Part 4: Sugar and Kids

Now for parents who insist on the no sugar policy: Unless your child truly doesn't mind it I think you should ease up on it once your child enters school. It's great you want to instill good eating habits, but you can't keep your child from sugar forever. Which brings me to; I don't believe it's fair to keep your child from a friend's birthday party due any candy and cupcakes that might be served. There's more to parties than cookies and cupcakes. There's enjoying a good time with friends. Additionally, you shouldn't make your child feel guilty about desiring sweets. You can teach them what's healthy, but you shouldn't shame them out of wanting sugary treats. Example: "Crystal, you don't want to go to that birthday party do you. They will be having a piñata with candy, plus sodas and ice cream. All of which are bad for your body. A smart girl wouldn't want to go." This is an unfair. Smart people do desire desserts. A person's IQ has nothing to do with wanting candy. And you're not really asking Crystal, you're telling her. Help your child make good decisions, but have some faith that when you're not around your child won't be eating half the cake at a party. Realistically what are the odds of that happening? If she did, I could understand you not wanting her to go. It's also inappropriate to call a parent and ask, "Do you mind having a watermelon instead of a cake for your child's birthday? It would be better for the children." You might be thinking, "What gull! Who would do that?" But some people are so into what they believe, they think it is okay to force their views on others. That said if you are close to the parent of the birthday child I believe it is fine to call the parent and tell them about your no sugar policy (they might already know, but you can tell them again). You can politely ask if YOU can provide some non-cane sugar treat to go with whatever dessert they might be providing. This is a great way to introduce to other children different ways treats can be had. (You can do this for school bake sales as well.) If your child is diabetic I think most parents would be understanding.

Part 3, Article on Kids and Sugar

Unless you live in a place where the community at large doesn't eat sweets it can be very difficult to keep a "no sugar at all" rule. My vote is: Just try to just limit sugar intake. But make sure the tummy has healthy food in it before the child has sweets. I know a parent who let's their children have one treat a day. Either one Tootsie Roll, a piece of gum or a small bowl of Jell-O. If your family enjoys ice cream you can have it on Fridays. You don't need it every night. Plus, it will give your child something to look forward to. Also, your child doesn't need snack pack treats everyday. Don't start a habit that will be hard to break. A treat should be something special, something that isn't normally had. Your child doesn't need sugary cereal in the morning, plus, a dessert after lunch and dinner. If you do this it becomes a routine. With holidays and vacations you can let your child have more sweets, but not an overload. Sweets in moderation.

Don't let a child pull the wool over your eyes. Beware of the "But I hate what we're having for dinner so can I have a bowl of cereal?" and then your child has a big bowl of sugary cereal.

At birthday parties you can tell your child they can pick one treat. A small piece of cake or a small bowl of ice cream. Or a couple of pieces of piñata candy. Or as the parent you can say, "A little of all." You are the parent after all. For Halloween: Limit the time your child Trick-or-Treats. This limits how much candy they receive. When they get home have them go through their candy and pick out the ones they really like (no candy without tight packaging). Put a limit on it. 25-30 pieces. The rest can go with Dad to work, or to a homeless shelter. Some schools have a homeless shelter Halloween candy program. If your school doesn't, you can start one. Of the candy your child has chosen to keep, put it away and dole out a piece or two a day (depending on how big the candy is).

Part 2- Sugar and Kids

During the no sugar policy, the child from Part 1 was allowed juice. Everyday. More than once a day. Her mother didn't think juice counted as a treat. A tall glass of apple juice was even tried for a substitute for wanting a sugary solid treat. I explained to the mother juices contain high amounts of sugar so she was actually defeating her no sugar purpose. She stated her juices weren't from concentrate. Just look on a bottle of juice not made from concentrate and you'll see it still has a high sugar content. Talk to your pediatrician. Having tall glasses of juice, whether it be orange, apple, grape juice, etc. everyday, more than once a day, is the way of the past for young kids. The small orange juice glasses you see served at restaurants are the new juice glass for kids. Talk to you family doctor but I was informed four ounces a day of juice is okay. Also, you might already know this but babies and toddlers shouldn't fall asleep with juice or milk bottles in their mouth. It's bad for their teeth. If your child absolutely loves juice try this, do half water half juice. I find juices so sugary tasting that mixing it with water actually makes it taste better. Start doing this when your child is young so they don't get use to the really sugary taste of 100% juice. You can try even less than half juice to the mixture of water if you want.

Part 1 of 5 Part Article on Sugar and Kids

The first time I remember tasting ice cream was when I was five. I fell in love with it and we've been going steady ever since. But as a child I didn't see it every night, and before me and my true love could be together I had to eat a healthy meal.

There are some new parents who have grand plans. They intend to be militant about their children's sugar intake. Other parents go to the far left with the attitude, "What's the point, my kids will see lots of sugary foods in the real world." I had a friend whose parents believed this. Their house was like a mini candy store. It was a kid's paradise. My friend didn't have a sweet tooth, preferring salty foods instead like pickles and nuts (Which also should be monitored with kids. Because too much salt isn't a good thing either.). So she wasn't tempted by the sweets she said. However, with her sister it was a different matter. She had a sweet tooth and ate and ate sweets. While my friend stayed thin and never had a cavity until she was an adult, her sister became obese and had many cavities. I do believe some children crave sweets more than others. So what is a parent to do?

As a former nanny this is my take. Unless your child has a medical condition where they shouldn't have sweets, I personally don't believe in totally denying your child of sweets. Case in point: There was a mother who had a rule her children couldn't have any brown or white sugar sweets. Her children would see other kids eat sweets in school, at birthday parties and other places. Her kids saw relatives eating sweets with delight at get-togethers. One of her children desperately wanted to try sweets. At a family gathering, behind their mother's back, this child consumed a very large amount of sugary treats. The child got a belly ache. But there was no going back. The more this child's mother wouldn't let her have treats the more she wanted it. Even if she had to steal it at family functions. It got worse. The child felt bad for having a small sliver of cake at birthday parties. When the child would come home her mother would ask, "Did you have any cake at the party?" The child would purposely lie, knowing if she said yes her mother would be very disappointed. All this because she was denied something other kids in her circle got. This child was a very loving, honest child except when it came to sweets. Horrible tantrums were soon happening over sugary treats. Since things weren't working out the child's mother, thankfully, got rid of her absolutely "no sugar" policy. The child felt a lot better not having to lie to her mother about having a small amount of treats at parties and at friends' houses.

Fussy Eaters Part 3

Sometimes to get out of eating your healthy dinner your child might try the, "I'm not hungry" routine. If this is occurring nightly and your child's not sick, find out what they're eating for snacks. To curb this, cut down on snacking, and have the "home snack bar" close at 4 p.m. (depending on when you serve dinner.)

Growing up my mother was strict, but fair when it came to food. She realized there are just some foods children don't like. Each one of my sibling and I were allowed to pick one food we didn't like which we didn't have to eat. (She also tacked on lima beans and liver since she didn't like these foods herself.) I picked pea soup, but I made a case that since pea soup was made from peas I shouldn't have to eat peas either. I never had to eat peas. Now of course I tried them, which is why I gave them two thumbs down. You can try this idea in your family.

Please don't have the rule that unless your child cleans their plate they can't leave the table. Growing up my brother didn't like two vegetables. Green beans and something else. My father said he couldn't be excused until he finished all his green beans. My mom's "at least have a few" idea was put down. In order that my brother could leave the table I recall at least twice secretly eating his green beans, which I wasn't crazy about either. The point is, don't make eating an unpleasant task. Food should not be forced down unhappily. Eating should be something we enjoy. Not a bad memory.

Fussy Eaters Part 2

Does your child routinely crosses their arms and say, "Yuck!" to what you made for breakfast, lunch or dinner? If so, then have a rule. You made what you made and that's it. You're home is not a restaurant, with a menu full of meals that can be served on a whim. Your child can have the food you made or not. Just make sure you serve healthy meals. And that you try to take into consideration what they like and dislike. (I can see a child saying yuck to being served liver and yams every night. Have variety.) You can't make you're child eat. But if they leave the table hungry, their food will be in the refrigerator if they get hungry. Or they can wait for the next meal. Remember your child is not in a third world country, starving. Remember this when they're moaning that you're not being a good parent and feeding them. You are feeding them. Just not the foods they want, like potatoe chips, pop corn or candy. Kids will push. Once you give in and let your child start eating cereal every night for dinner while the rest of the family eats a regular meal, it will be hard to stop. Plus, at other people's houses it's rude to say, "Ewe! I don't like your pork chops. I hate potatoes. And your fruit. Can I have a bowl of cereal instead?" I've seen it happen. I said no. The child ate what I served. The child's mother was amazed. Why should she be amazed? She can say no, too. Your child will eat something you serve, even a little, if hungry enough.

How to Deal with Kids who are Fussy Eaters, Part 1

Part 1 of 3 Parts on Kids and Eating.
Does your child scrunch up his or her face, pull back their chair and refuse to eat what you have served them? If so, stop letting them get away with it. I'll be blunt. Do you think a child who is desperately poor, who hasn't had a descent meal in who knows how long, would stick up their nose at the pot roast you are serving? Your child can choose the food they want to eat, or not, because they have enough to choose from. Trust me, if your child hadn't eaten in five days that container filled with tomato soup in your frig might look edible now. But luckily if you live in the U.S., your child shouldn't ever be in that fix!

I knew a boy who hated vegetables. He would eat fruit, hamburgers, pizza, nuts, etc. just not plain vegetables. When he thought he could get away with it he would put the offending vegetables in his napkin, pretend he had to go the bathroom and flush them down the toilet, or hide them under the trash in the trash bin. His mother asked his doctor what to do. (You can ask your own family doctor what to do for your child. There are vegetable and fruit supplements. Ask about them. However, this does not make up for having the real thing. It's in addition to.) The boy's doctor said, keep giving him fruits and find ways to make the vegetables palatable. He also pointed out the boy liked pizza. And that pizza has tomato sauce on it which is a crushed vegetable. I can't say I recommend giving your child carry-out pizza, but how about making a pizza at home with fresh tomatoes and olives? Or putting a sliced tomato on a homemade hamburger? As a "not so keen on vegetables person" myself, I like grilled vegetables, and vegetables cooked in olive oil in a frying pan. I also like raw vegetables with humus. The humus makes the vegetables more appetizing. If your child doesn't like a particle vegetable try another. I know a boy who says he hates all vegetables but mild big red peppers. You can try slicing up a big red pepper (not the spicy pepper) and serving it with a healthy dip or ranch dressing.

Parenting Article: Divorce

The Fun Parent vs. The Corrector Parent

Divorce can be hard on those involved. It can be difficult raising children after a divorce. Less money coming in. Having to deal with your Ex. Having to deal with behavior that your Ex allows and you don't.

It can be maddening to have your children come home from a weekend at the other parent’s with a new set of table manners. An example: "Bobby, don't burp at the table." "Dad lets me." "Bobby elbows off the table." "Dad lets me." "Bobby, I made a pot roast for dinner. Why are you having a bowl of cereal instead?" "Dad lets me." Life at Dad's looks pretty good to Bobby. If his father is only a weekend Dad this could be why. Dad wants Bobby to have a fun time with him when he sees him. If Dad had principle custody maybe Dad wouldn't be so lenient. I personally have seen father's that have primary custody who do an excellent job. They make lunches, go to school plays, meet with teachers, etc. I have also seen father's that have partial custody, who are concerned fathers as well. The best scenario is when both parents, though divorced, are on the same page as far as raising a decent well mannered child.

Any divorced parent should not make it "party time" all the time when they have their time with their children. You can have a fun time, but you still should install in your child manners, give them a decent bed time, have them do homework, have chores, etc. You should make life as normal as possible. "Party Time," most the time is not normal. Even if you feel sorry for your child about the divorce they still need to have a normal life with chores and homework time. Taking your child to an amusement park every weekend is not normal. You can spend quality time with them walking the dog, teaching them how to ride a bike, making a model airplane with them, showing them how to grow tomatoes, etc. Some divorced parents don’t want their child to dislike them, so they think if they don't correct the child’s rude or annoying behavior their child will like them more. But you are the parent. Your job is to teach them how to behave, make sure they get to school on time, to feed them nutritious meals… You aren’t a 24 hour party coordinator. Your house is not a cruise ship where you cater to every whim and life is fun, fun, fun morning, noon and night.

If you are the Ex of a "Fun Parent" who doesn't like to correct their child, for the benefit of your child don’t start doing the same to compete. Keep correcting inappropriate behavior, set a bed time, don't let them sit at the computer for hours on end or let them watch TV all day. That said do have fun with your child. Walk the dog together to an ice cream shop on Wednesdays. While doing that find out what's on their mind. Pick topics they would like to talk about. Tell a funny story about something that happened to you as a kid. Have family movie night with popcorn on Friday's. Find ways to incorporate fun into doing their homework. Have them help with dinner by cooking something they like (pizza/chili/a dessert). Lastly, don't complain about your Ex to them. Your Ex is an adult. Your kid is a kid. Your child shouldn’t have to worry about adult things. Your child does not have control over what your Ex does. Do not give them the responsibility of getting the monthly child support from them or complaining to them about it. Don't stress your child out about adult issues. Take care of it yourself. If need be talk to a friend when your child isn’t around to hear. Get things out, so you can be as calm as you can with your kids. After a divorce there are kids who worry about their parents so they take on extra responsibly, and some parents after a divorce act like a kid, shirking responsibly. As a divorced parent, do the best you can for your child.

Qualities to being a Good Parent 2- 11 more

1) Spend time with your child alone, and as a family unit.
Pen, not pencil, in a time to do something special with your child. Read to them at night, go on a walk together. Get to know your child. Also, do things as a family. Eat dinner together, play a board game together, even play handball together... By doing this you are creating a family bond. Kids who do not deal much with their parents or sibling(s) can be clueless as to what families actually do together. Give your child a basis.

2) Show your child how to solve life problems.
If you don't teach your child how to deal with problems in the correct manner, who will teach them? Problems can range from how to deal with friends who are mean to how to lose a game without having a melt down. Life can he hard, teach them how to handle it as best as possible.

3) Instill the idea of moderation. I.e. Food. TV. Computer games. You can't have everything all the time.

4) Teach good eating habits. Monkey see, monkey do.

5) Teach tolerance towards others by your own behavior.

6) Teach your child about finances.
It's no joke when a woman says, "Oh I have no head for finances. My parents never taught me." Children should learn how to budget their money. They shouldn't spend money on things they don't have money for. Credit card debit can be like a black hole. It's hard to get out of.

7) Teach your child responsibly.
From pitching in with chores to turning in their homework on time. Your child's boss later in life is not going to believe their dog ate the company's project report.

8) Teach an appreciation for life.
If you complain and whine about life and what it dealt you, you are instilling negativity in your child. There are things to appreciate. From art to nature to your pet dog to the right of having a fair trial in the U.S.

9) Teach your child about safety.
The world is not perfect. You need to teach your child to protect themselves. This can be from the danger of matches to not going anywhere with a stranger, no matter if the person says that they are hurt, you the parent is hurt, or the puppy in their car is hurt and can they help.

10) Give your child a warm, safe home environment.
Your material goods come second to a child's basic needs. Food, clean clothes, and shelter. Also, a child should not have to fear living in their home. No child should be exposed to, or have to worry about, being verbally or physically abused by anyone in their home.

11) Let your child grow and go when the time comes.
One day your child might want a spouse. It's hard to have a good marriage with a parent-in-law poking in your business all the time. Children and adults need to learn to make their own decisions. Just because a minor decision your child picks is different then what you would pick doesn't automatically mean it's the wrong choice. Dealing with parent guilt is not fun.

Parenting Article: Qualities to being a Good Parent

Qualities to being a Good Parent Part 1

Someone asked me what I thought were the most important qualities/attributes to being a good parent. I thought about it and came up with a list of ten.

1)Above all Love Your Child.
Love is an action not just mere words. Love should not be confused with spoiling a child. You also should not have to pick which you love more, your spouse or your child. Each relationship is separate. Besides it is like comparing apples to oranges. And remember your child is a separate entity from you. Just because you like baseball does not mean they have to.

2)Patience.
Especially when you’ve had a hard day and your child is being extra trying.

3)Kindness.
Be kind and you will get kindness in return. (But maybe not the same day.)

4)Empathy. For your child and others.
When you are empathetic you are displaying compassion and understanding. A big thanks to all parents who do this.

5)Caring. For family and society.
One way to teach your child to care is by doing good works for others. And I do not
mean just forking money over to a charity for a tax break. I mean giving your time. A child is more likely to help with worthy causes now and later in life if
they witness their parents doing so.

6)Consistency.
Children like to be safe. Consistency in rules, behavior, how you act, etc. gives them security.

7)The ability to give consequences and stick to them.
Some parents have problems being the heavy. Society needs your cooperation here. One day your child will be living on their own and among us. Every society appreciates good citizens.

8)Control your temper.
Calm parenting is much more effective. Yelling and throwing a tantrum ruins your creditability.

9)Teach your child how to fit in society properly.
By this I mean teaching your child good hygiene, good manners, how to get along with others and how to make friends. Some children are shy so it is especially important to show them how to make friends.

10)Take an interest in what your child likes and dislikes.
Even if you are not very good at sports but your child is, you can still enjoy sports together. You can watch a baseball game together or GO TO THEIR HOME GAMES if they play a sport. And you can always find time for a tea party. As far as taking an interest in what a child does not like, an example of this: if they do not like teddy bears why would you keep giving them one?

Find out the Facts Before Disciplining your Child

Have you ever yelled at your child for doing something before finding out the whole story? As a parent you should find out what happened before you discipline your child. I will give you three reasons why. Number one, you do not want to teach your child to jump to conclusions. If you do this, they will see it, and do the same. Children mimic adult behavior. Number two, before you can justify giving a consequence you need to find out what really happened. You do not want to discipline your child for something they did not do wrong. Number three, some children embellish what occurred, habitually. You need to let them tell their version of the story first so afterwards you can say, "No Jack, that did not happen. I saw you break the vase with my own eyes. So do not lie." By saying this you are not letting Jack get away with his lie. Jack might get upset and cry when you tell him he is lying. He even might say you do not understand. But you really do. You understand he is trying to get away with lying by masking it with tears or indignation that you think he would lie. You need to be strong and not let him get away with telling tales. You should also let Jack know there will be X consequence for lying. And stick to giving the consequence!

Sample scenario: You are in your den and just got off the phone. You enter the dining room. You see a soccer ball in the corner and your son holding a broken plate. To your horror, you notice it is your Great Grandma's hand painted plate. Upset, you start yelling, "How did my plate break?! Jack I've told you a thousand times not play ball in the dining room. Why did you do it? Upstairs, young man!" Jack tries to explain what happened but you interrupt him with, "No excuses! I am so angry!" Sure in the past you might have caught Mike playing ball in the dining room, which he knows he should not do, but what happens if it was not him who broke the plate? What if it was his sister, Sue, who while you were entering the dining room went in the kitchen to look for glue to glue the plate? What if it was Sue who was playing in the dining room and broke the plate? What if Jack came in the room when he heard the crash and Sue told him to hold the plate while she got some glue? I know it can be very hard to keep your cool when an object you love is broken, especially when you have told your children many times not to touch it or play near it. But you need to set the tone. Try to remain calm. You need to teach your children to find out all the facts before correcting someone. Teach them to be fair.

Parenting Article: Get Your Child to Listen to You

Do you ever feel that your child is not really listening to what you are telling them? Do they focus on only one or two words or only one aspect of what you are saying? Whether you are correcting them, giving them instructions or explaining something to them it can be frustrating when your child or teen will not listen to EVERYTHING you have to say. If your child only listens to part of what you are saying they aren’t getting the full benefit of what you are attempting to communicate.

Seven reasons why children might not fully listen:
1) Your child has focus problems.
2) They are angry/upset for not seeing things their way.
3) They are angry/upset that you are correcting them.
4) They are embarrassed you are correcting them in front of a friend.
5) They think they already understand what you want.
6) They are not interested in what you are saying.
7) They do not think your idea or information has sufficient merit to give you their whole attention.

Your child or teen may not completely understand what you are trying to convey if they do not let you finish talking. Unfortunately, I have seen kids get caught up with a single aspect of a bigger picture. They hone in on it. And because of this they interrupt you with: "But Mom he started it." "You’re taking his side!" "Dad you don't understand." Or "I don't agree." What is worse, some kids will tune you out. When this occurs I suggest you take a deep breathe. And if they are upset have your child do the same. Tell them to please not interrupt you as you speak and to listen to ALL you have to say. If they refuse to do this, have them go to their room until they cool off. Then try again. Once again start off by telling them to listen to everything you have to say and not just some words. It can be hard. Kids will hear what they want to hear. Some kids more than others. You could repeatedly repeat what you are saying, but if they get fixated on only one or two words they are not grasping the entire meaning of what you are telling them. They are not getting the "whole ball of yarn" they are merely getting snippets. You want your child to comprehend all of what you are saying and why.

Advice:
This is what you can do if you have a child who often has a difficult time listening to you: First politely ask your child or teen to uncross their arms if they tend to so. But do not make an issue of it! I only suggest this to loosen them up emotionally. When a defiant person crosses their arms as you are speaking it often is a sign they are "shutting you out." They are showing you they are unreceptive. From the very start you want your child or teen to be as open as possible to what you have to say.

After this, clearly state they are to listen to ALL you have to say BEFORE they can make a response. When you do speak, cut to the chase. Do not ramble on. Also, do not put too much emphasis on your child making eye contact with you. It is more important they GET what you are trying to say. As you talk if you start to see your child getting upset or annoyed by their body language or facial expression calmly tell them to calm down. Count to seven or ten silently. If they can not control themselves or they cop an attitude, calmly tell them to take a moment or few to collect themselves in their room or another room. Later talk to them again. I propose this because you want to break their thought of not wanting to listen to your position. If you revisit the issue afresh you might have a better time of getting them, to at least, listen to MORE of what you have to say. I realize that with children with OCD they might still be focused on one or two words you had said. In fact, they might be stewing on it if they are alone with nothing to do. Try to get them focused on something else. Have them read a book or do some activity to relax them. This is as much for them as for you. Limit the negative impact their OCD can have on them.

Parenting Article: Looking for the Good in Your Child

The Miracle that Happens When You Look for the Good in Your Child

When you find a good characteristic or trait in your child, share it with them. They’ll take it to heart. Tell them about a positive action they did that you liked. You can say, "I liked how you stuck up for your brother when other kids pick on him." Maybe your child only did this once, but since you are proud she did it, she will be more disposed to do it again. She'll take pride in her kind actions. Think well of your child and it will come back to you. Be cruel to your child and it creates hate and resentment. If you need to get your child to stop a behavior, you can share it in a constructive manner. “If you want Janey to play with you, you should play nicely. Share the building blocks with her. If you take them away and stick your tongue out at her it makes her feel bad. And she doesn’t want to play with you. I know you can share. I’ve seen you play nicely before.” Here you have set the tone for how to be nice, twice. By repeating positive behavior you want it reinforces it.

Don't manipulate your child into doing something by saying, "I only want what’s best for you," when you really mean, "You'll be better off and happier if you for fill my desires for you." Love your child now, not the child you desire or fantasized about before they were born. Your child is not an extension of you, like an arm or leg. They are their own unique person. They are not a mirror image of you, even if they look like you when you were younger. They have their own thoughts, temperament, and dreams. Look for the good in them today and you'll see a better child tomorrow. But don't give undo or false praise. This creates a selfish child.

Two family ideas that can build harmony in the home:
Number 1: For one week, every day, make a true effort to find something good in your child. Tell them what it is. After a week see if their behavior has changed in any way. Note how. Do this for another week. Note the results. See if their attitude towards you has changed.

Number 2: Pick a special plate or bowl. Once a week let someone in your family have it at dinner time. Whoever gets the plate gets nice things said to them from everyone around the table. Examples of things to be said: "You’re a fun brother to have." "I like how you did your homework yesterday without having me to tell you to get started on it." "I think you are a creative person."
Get going on positive reinforcement!

Over Generalizing and Kids

Why Kids Over Generalize- Stop the Power Play

Why, oh why do kids over generalize?
1) To get their way now.
2) To get their way in the future.
3) As a way of justifying what they want or what occurred.
4) To gain sympathy.

All these reasons have one thing in common. They are a Power Play. A child will use power play to maneuver you to where they want you. Their mission: To get you to agree with them. That they should have such and such, or what they did or did not do was acceptable.

I am sure if you have children you might have heard something like this at some point, "Why can't I do __________ (fill in the blank)? You let me do it yesterday." To a child this is a sound argument. And it might be, except for five years now you have never let your child have a soda and a piece of pie right before dinner. Yesterday was an exception. Your sister that you have not seen for six years was in town with her daughter. But now your child is trying to make out like having pie and soda before dinner should be the standard. This is over generalizing something. Doing something once does not mean it is going to happen every day.

Stop a power play before if can occur. Before you make an exception to a rule you should explain to your child that this is an EXCEPTION, a special treat. It is not going to be a normal occurrence. This goes for staying at a friend's house later usual, staying up two hours after bedtime, not doing a certain chore, the list goes on. Do not think, "Oh but they will understand." Even the best of kids try over generalizing. Hey it might work they figure. Do not buy into it. Or they will try it again. And again. And why not if it worked before? To avoid any misunderstanding or an argument later tell your child upfront X is an exception. I highly recommend you do this if you have a child who argues.

Kids can also use the words "always" and "never" to over generalize a point. Have you ever heard this from your child, "But Dad always lets me do it!" or "Mom never makes me do that." With divorced parents having kids over generalize can be particularly aggravating. Let's say you make your ten-year-old son wear a helmet when he rides his bike. But he does not want to this time so he firmly states, "But Dad never makes me!" Instead of bad mouthing your Ex. in front of your son by saying, "Well your father has no sense," stop and think. Maybe only once did your Ex not make your son wear his helmet and that was because he forgot it somewhere. Calmly tell your child just because their father lets them do something at his house does not mean they can do it at yours. Then at another time ask your Ex. what is the norm at his house about riding a bike and wearing a helmet or whatever the issue is about. It is great when both parents agree upon rules, but I understand that is not always possible when parents live apart. But think of this, if you do agree upon rules there will be less power play by your child against the both of you. Divorced or not, do not let your child get away with pitting one parent against the other.

Let's take another scenario. John wails to his mother, "Tommy hit me! He always hits me!" Just because Tommy hit his brother, John, once or even four times during their life together does not mean Tommy always does it. But John wants sympathy. He is making a power play. He thinks he can control the situation if he can enlist your support. He thinks by saying this he can influence your reaction. Dodge the power play. John is making a sweeping generalization which is not based on true evidence. Yes, you should give Tommy a consequence for hitting his brother, but you should also tell John that Tommy does not hit him all the time. And if he makes untrue statements like this people will not believe him when it counts.

Parenting Article: Fight Back Against Nightmares

Sometimes children have nightmares. But if your child is losing sleep by frequently waking up with them you need to find out the root of the problem. And do something about it. Death. Divorce. Parents who frequently argue. Instability in the home. School bullies. All can cause stress. Stress can manifest itself in nightmares. If your child has serious stress I urge you to see your family doctor.

Simple help for night frights. If your child wakes up with a bad dream go to them. Reassure them you're there and they are safe. Do not ever yell at your child because they woke you up. Try this: Give your child a reassuring hug and ask them what's wrong. Their answer might or might not make sense. Either way you can say something like, "Boy, that seems to have upset you." You are giving them comfort by understanding they are upset. Even if the dream doesn't seem scary to you it was to them so you need to empathize. You can say, "That does seem like a scary dream." After you comfort them, get your child to focus on something else. Ask them if they would like to get a glass of water or go to the bathroom. If your child keeps crying you can tell them a funny story that happened that day; Or something funny the dog did last week. The intention is to get them to stop thinking about the nightmare so they can go back to sleep. You can talk more about their nightmare the next day when they are more awake and have gotten some sleep.

Reoccurring bad dreams. During a quiet moment, at breakfast or after school, ask your child questions about their latest nightmare. If they say a big hairy gorilla ran up to them, picked them up and yelled "Scram!" think about this. Did you child watch a gorilla movie on T.V. two days ago? It might have been too scary for them. This gives you the heads up on what your child can deal with. Monitor what they watch. No more scary movies. And be proactive. Ask, "How do you think you can stop having bad dreams?" They might not know. Or they might know. Deep down inside they might know they shouldn't be watching scary movies. Or they might give you a revelation. "The gorilla looked like dad." Does your husband scream at your child for not doing his homework, or for being late for dinner? This could be scaring your child.

To combat bad dreams. When your child goes to bed get them to think happy thoughts. Anything from vacations, their dog, making a triple hitter, etc. The sky's the limit. Also, let them read a funny story before going to sleep so that's the last thing they remember. If your child is young tell them, or read to them, a happy or funny story. Also try this: During the day, get your child to think of ways to stop a dream if it starts going bad. If a gorilla runs after them again in a dream, they should firmly think, "He can't hurt me!" Have them see in their mind's eye a big feather. With this feather they should tickle the gorilla to make it laugh. As the gorilla laughs he grows smaller and smaller until he disappears. Now your child is safe.

Please be proactive. Some parents tend to think, less said soonest mended. I believe this is not true with reoccurring nightmares. Acknowledge there is a problem and set out to try to solve it. If you don't teach your children how to solve a problem, how will they ever learn to solve problems? Ignoring a problem doesn't make it magically disappear. And I believe it can cause further problems down the road.

The case of Mr. Boney. One little three-year-old I knew kept having nightmares of a boney man who would lean over her bed and scare her. This happened about a week after Halloween. Her parent and I were inclined to think it started due to seeing a child dressed up as a skeleton on Halloween night. The three-year-old was asked what might help make Mr. Boney go away. She wasn't sure. It was suggested that putting up many signs around her room saying, "Mr. Boney STAY AWAY!" might help. This was done and it helped. The nightmares lessened and gradually went away. Lesson to be learned: Try to find the cause. Then take action against the nightmare.

How to Talk to Your Child and Teen Effectively

Article on How to Talk to Your Child and Teen Effectively.

What kind of voice do you use when talking to your child? This is a very important question. Tis sad but true but I have heard parents talk to their children like their kids were the ones with the power. The parent will ask, uneasily, "Tommy, do you think you could turn off the TV before you leave the room if it's not too much trouble?" Why is the parent asking this in such an unsure voice? What they desire should be put in a polite statement, not in a walking-on-egg-shells question. Some parents request things in timid wondering ways because they do not want a confrontation. They do not want to get in a possible argument. The parent is afraid of the reaction they might get to their request. Maybe Tommy could get angry and say something unkind. Or the parent might be afraid their child will think they are mean and dislike them. Or the parent might feel bad if their child cries.

Kids can be manipulative. A woman I know, who I will call Barb, stopped carpooling with another mom. This is because Barb has a rule, no drinking anything but water in her van. The other mother insisted her son needed a juice box in the car to calm him down from a hard day at school. Barb said he could have it when he got home. But the woman insisted her son said he needed it in the car. Barb told the woman just to tell him, wait till you get home. The woman refused saying her son would cry and that would ruin his day. Barb refused to budge. She told me in a disgusted voice, "Just think, if a not having a juice box in the car is going to ruin his day what other things will ruin his day? Not being able to watch TV when he wants? Eating vegetables at dinner? This parent is setting up her son for unhappiness. A juice box should not ruin his day."

Again kids can be manipulative. If they know you need them to like you they will use this to their advantage. I know a parent who has an only child. Both she and her daughter know her teen can get away with things by saying, "If you don't let me do X I will move out and I will never have contact with you again." The mother does not want this so she gives in to things. But it would be more sensible to call her daughter's bluff. But the mother is too scared to do so. As long as you let your child have the upper hand in situations like this it will be harder to parent your child. Scared parents do not make effective parents.

To be an effective parent be kind but firm. Think now about what kind of voice you normally use with your child when you want them to do something. It should be even toned. It should not be in a brow beaten voice or in quite tone which lacks confidence. Nor should it be in a high pitched whiney voice, like, "Tina, whhhy don't you evver listen to meee? Whyyy don't you ever do whaat I tell you?" Say what you want with self-assurance. Like you expect them to do as you say. Kids will pick up on this. Some kids will push the boundaries. One boy I know told his mother he would not do as she asked because she did not ask politely. Actually she did. He just wanted an out. He has also tried to get out of doing a request by pouting, "You hurt my feeling by the way you asked so I'm not doing it." Do not fall for such traps. If you tell your child to do something politely, let them know you did. Then tell them you expect them to follow through with the request and leave it like that. Do not get in an argument about feelings. Tell them firmly, "I'm not arguing with you about this," and don't. If your child sasses you when you make a request call them on it. Do not ignore it. If they try to turn the tables on a reasonable request, like it is your problem, do not buy into it. Example: In the morning you say to your teen, "I need the car back by 4 to go the bank." Their response, "I told you I needed the car. It's your problem you didn't go to the bank yesterday." Let them know you expect to be treated with respect. Do not let your child be the puppet master in your home.

Now some parents say they are extra nice when talking their child because their child is extra sensitive. Yes, some children are extra sensitive but if you talk baby talk to a six-year-old you are acting younger than them. You are unknowingly, or not, giving them the power. Both of you should talk your age. If you set up this candy sweet tone of voice with your child early on it is going to be harder to stop later. Your child will be used to this voice. Later when you do start telling them to do things in a normal voice they might complain that you are being mean. But you are not. You are finally talking to them as the parent, not as an equal or as a baby. If you are in this baby talk predicament now do not let your child manipulate you when you stop. I know one parent who finally decided to stop requesting things from his daughter like this. She did not like it and told him she would not speak to him until he started talking nicely to her again. In times like this be cool. Calm. Collected. Tell your child you know how to talk nicely. That you are talking nicely, and that she is old enough to be talked to in a normal voice.

In conclusion, stop and listen to how you speak, and act, toward your child. Because this is what you are teaching them. If you do not want a whiney child do not whine yourself. If you want them to talk with poise and confidence do so yourself. With this article hopefully now you have gained new knowledge on How to Talk to Your Child and Teen Effectively.

Part three of Children and Inappropriate Behavior

Now that we have talked about intentional inappropriate behavior, this next scenario shows the opposite of it. You have seen, and not minded it in the past, when your child has jumped on the den couch. Now you have a new den couch and Jimmy is jumping on it. Seeing this you lose it and scream, “That’s inappropriate behavior!” Why? You never said he could not jump on the den couch before. It does not cut it to excuse your outburst by saying, “He just should have known he shouldn’t jump on the new couch!” How is this? You let him jump on the other couch. You have to actually let your child know what behavior you do NOT want and what behavior you do want. And where they can and can NOT do it. If you have already yelled at your child for this, step back, take a breath and calmly say, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. But the new rule is no jumping on the den couch. Okay?” Make sure your child hears this. Since you now have informed him of the new rule if he does it again you are justified in reprimanding him. Hopefully by reading this three part article you now have more knowledge about intentional and unintentional behavioral actions by your child.