Parenting Article- Talk to your child effectively.

What kind of voice do you use when talking to your child? This is a very important question. How you talk to your child speaks volumes. See how yelling at your child can backfire on you. Then learn how to talk to your child effectively.

Parents who are Yellers-
I believe some parents do not set out to be yellers. They either do it out of frustration or they are yellers because this is how their parents parented them. But parents do not need to scream at their child to get them to do something. First, you do not want to constantly scare the daylights out your child. And yelling does not equal obedience. But it can lead to defiance. Secondly, when you scream you are losing control. And parents should be in control. I had one parent who insisted to me when she screamed she was in control. And she maintained control of the situation (thus her child) by shouting. But if she felt in control why would she feel the need to shout? Additionally, a screamer can get more and more agitated and work themselves up to the point they make remarks which are not nice, not needed, and could make the situation worse. In a temper a parent might say things that later they will regret, like, "Why are you always doing dumb things?!" The child could take this as, "You are dumb in general, kid." Something to think about- If a parent shouts most of the time their child might feel they have to walk on eggshells around them. This can make the child feel tense and they will not respond well to what their parent has to say because they are in worry mode. Also, their self esteem could suffer.

Point to be made- When a parent or anyone starts flying off the handle they start losing their creditability. So ask yourself, do you tend to be calm and rational during discussions? Or do you often raise your voice quite loud to get your point made. If so try to be conscience of this. With your child, you want them to actually listen to you and take to heart what you are telling them. You want them to know that you have a sound point to make. To make sure information is taken in better by your child, impart what you have to say as calmly as you can. Do not shout it. State it. You can show how important something is to you by using a firm voice. Stop thinking you need to shout a request/comment to get your child to know how serious it is. If you shout often this tone of voice is now the norm, not an exception.

Now think about this- When you are emotionally in control/calm in a situation you are metaphorically being an anchor. Ships (families) without adequate anchors (rational parents) could end up in trouble in bad storms. Children like adults to be grounded. If their parent is grounded they feel safer and will take what they say more seriously and better. See the difference- You calmly say, "Cindy, do not move. There is a spider near you." Cindy's reaction should mimic yours. She remains calm because you are. So she does not move. But if you panic and yell, "CINDY, do not move! There is a spider!" She very well could move and get bit.

Another situation: Two parents and their toddlers are in a sandbox. Both boys try to taste sand. Parent A uses a firm tone of voice, "Tommy, do not eat the sand." This parent then calmly pours the sand out of his child's hand which is going towards the toddler's mouth. Tommy reaction- He goes on happily digging sand. Parent B's reaction to her son trying to eat sand. She angrily screams, "BILLY! DO NOT EAT THAT! Do not be dumb! Why do you always eat stuff I tell you not to!" She vehemently grabs Billy's hand and angrily shakes the sand out of it, scaring him. Billy's reaction- He starts crying.

Note these three things that can happen to parents who are habitual screamers.
(1) Not only are they not happy with the situation they are in with their child, but they can get pretty darn upset and angry about it.
(2) They expound more on how upset they are than a calm person will.
(3) Their physical reaction to the situation can be as violent as their voice.

If one just states what you want and not go into triad about it, it will have a better impact on your child. And less drama will enfold. Parents if you want less drama from your child do not first start it yourself. Screaming to you your child to do X can make for further drama. Crying, screaming, outbursts, etc.

Parting note- If you are a shouter or think you might be one, ask your spouse or friend how they see you reacting to situations. This could be a revelation to you. Maybe you did not realize that you freaked out as much as others think. If you want to shout less, practice calm talking. Out loud, in a room alone, practice how you want your voice to sound when you say X. I think once you start using a firm, strong tone of voice instead of shouting things you want done you will notice your children reacting differently to what you have to say.