Parenting Article- Steps to Curb Back Talk

Steps to get Your Child to use a Better Tone of Voice with You and Others.

Does this scenario seem familiar: You say to your son, "Daniel, it is time to get ready for soccer." Daniel answers, "Not now. I'm busy. In two minutes, okay." You firmly state, "Daniel, go get ready for soccer." Daniel curtly replies, "Give me a break. It's not even time to go yet." You repeat, "Daniel, go get ready for soccer." Daniel starts going to his room and on his way there churlishly utters, "Geez, you don't have to get so uptight about it." This is an example of talking back. As a parent do not put up with it! Get your child to use a better tone of voice when they talk to you.

Step one: You need to REALLY decide not put up with your child talking impolitely to you. Some parents make a half hearted attempt to get their child to talk nicer to them. But old habits die hard. In the end they decide it is easier to have a tin ear when it happens instead of correcting their child the moment it happens. Which leads us to Step two:
When your child speaks rudely to you, you should correct it right then and there, but in a calm voice. If you have an outburst over it, your child will feel justified in their remark, especially if it was a derogatory one about you.

Step three: Tell your child what you expect. The moment your child talks back or is "short" with you, correct them by saying, "You are being discourteous towards me. I expect you to talk to me in a respectful tone of voice. Now go do X." Some parents make their child apologize to them for talking back. I can see their point, but if a child does not mean it, it sounds hallow. An apology should be genuine. And the child might say it insolently, which is defeating the purpose of teaching your child to talk politely. I do believe, however, if a child is curt with another adult other than their parent they should apologize. You as the parent are the teacher, another adult is just an unfortunate person who had to listen to your child's surly remark.

Step four: Teach your child how to talk to you. And how to conduct himself with you. Let us suppose you made a fine dinner for your family and your child turns their nose up at it. You say to your daughter, "Peggy, please eat your dinner." Peggy tersely replies, "I don't like it. It looks icky." Peggy may not like it, but she does not have to voice her opinion so uncivilly. Show your child how to conduct herself. You could start by saying, "That was not a kind thing to say. I spent time making dinner and you should show more appreciation," but do add, "Be courteous. If you do not like something I make you can be bummed, but do not say something derogatory about it. What you can say is, 'Hey, I love it when you make your homemade macaroni and cheese with sausage pieces in it.' If you say things like this to me, I will keep it in mind and make it." Another example: You tell your child to go do their homework. They snap back, "Don't bug me. I'll do it." It is the way they are saying this you need to work on. Catch yourself from losing it. Take a deep breath in, release it and say, "Please talk politely to me. You can politely and respectfully say to me, 'Please Mom, do not bug me about it. I will do it.' When you talk to me this way I respond to it better."

Step five: If your child keeps refusing to talk politely, don't give up. This is where consequences come in. Give a consequence when it deserves one, and when your child speaks politely, note it with praise and reward it. "Tom, I noticed you've been talking nicer to your sister lately. I like it." Never beg your child to speak nicely. Do not make yourself an equal, or less. They will treat you as such. You are the parent you deserve respect. In turn you should be respectful to your children and others so your kids can see by your example how to be respectful.