Parenting Article about Cussing

Parenting Article about Cussing

Recently I was in a car with a young child and a parent I know. In the beginning all was calm. It was the calm before the storm. The child suddenly got angry at their mother's response they couldn't do something. They demanded their way. Their mom said no. They demanded again. The answer was still no. Friction was in the air. The child's eyes narrowed in pot boiling anger. Their hands clutched up in small tight fists. Which frantically began pumping up and down in frustration. I felt I was about to witness a dam burst. When I saw the child throw back their head in utter rage I knew the dam was breaking and an outburst was imminent. But I didn't expect what soon followed. It was if a big flood gate had swung wide open, letting out sewer filth. Bad words flew out of the child's mouth in rapid succession. It ended with, "Blank you, Mom!" My eyes at this point were wide open in surprise. I had never heard foul language before from this child. Their parents didn't use foul language in their home. In fact, when this child caught their mom using the word "sucks" (as in that sucks) they told their mom that wasn't a word she liked to hear. (She had told her child in the past she didn't think it was an appropriate word to use.) At the time the mom apologized for using the offending word. Which I think was the right response. If you don't like certain language but in a moment of frustration you use it yourself, own up to it and make a great effort not to do it again. Parents can make mistakes too. And please do not use this excuse for bad language, "But I'm the parent. I can use such language." Remember, Monkey see, Monkey do.

So in this car situation how did this mother react to such bad language from her child? She again did the right thing. She didn't buy into it. She didn't yell at them to stop it. Why? Because that is what her child wanted and she knew it. She's a wise mom. She knew her child was frustrated and was acting out inappropriately. She knew her child wanted to upset her and cussing was a way her child thought they could do it. She didn't show her child it was upsetting her (though she deplored it). If as a parent you CAN understand why your child is doing something you might be able to cope better with it. If your child feels powerless they might respond by acting out. Acting out in this particular situation is the child trying to push their mother's buttons with cussing because they know she doesn't like it. This mother remained calm and said she knew her child was upset but they still weren't getting their way; and cussing was not acceptable. Since she didn't want her child to have another outburst in the car she waited until they were home to give them a consequence for cussing. Which I think was just fine.

Now what if you ever find yourself in the scenario above and you don't think you can keep it together? It can be hard to concentrate on the road with a child loudly cursing up a storm in the backseat. You can do the following for some relief. First, stay focused. For the time being try to mentally block out how badly the cussing is disturbing you so you don't get in an accident. Realize your child is trying to get you to react. (With some children once they have gone over the edge it's hard for them to pull back. Yelling back at them will not fix the problem.) Your child is lashing out either to vent their feelings or/and, in their way, trying to punish you for not giving in to their demands. And they might be hoping if they keep making a fuss maybe you might reconsider your decision. Have you given in before to such noise? Well, don't! Some children absolutely know that you are vulnerable when driving. They know you're a captive audience. When you can, stop the car in a safe place. Have them stay in the car. You can get out and calm down (stay near the car). Tell your child you are not moving the car unless they stop the cussing. The mom in the scenario above had to do this (she even had to make more then one stop when her child challenged her with more cussing). Even if you are in a rush to get to school it is better you stop the car then to get in an accident by turning your head around to shout at your child to stop it! Because you can't take it anymore!

If cussing is becoming a common problem especially in public (some children like to embarrass their parents in public because they know it will get a rise out of people), then stop future public activities if you can't trust your child to not cuss during them. Did your child swear at you for being late when you picked them up at a birthday party? Don't let them verbally abuse you. Just calmly tell them when you get home that tomorrow's "zoo day" is off because cussing AT you is not acceptable. Do not change your consequence once it is set. Even if you wanted to go to the zoo. Cussing must be nipped in the bud. It's a bad habit to get into. Especially when a child is using it to verbally abuse a parent, another adult, a sibling, a child they don't like, etc. But sure to let your child know words they can use if they are frustrated. Like: Rats, Dang, Fudge, Darn. Or make one up. When they get really mad and they need to express it they can say Fudgehootingwombat. If this makes them laugh, great. Redirecting emotions, from anger to laughter can release tension. And it can get them to stop thinking about what was bothering them. It's a break in the moment, which can help stop the undesired behavior from continuing on from that moment.