Parenting Article: Lessons for Parents about Your Child Wanting to Fit In

Not Fitting In is No Fun.

People liked to be liked. That includes children. There's nothing wrong with your child wanting to fit in with their peers. But it does become a problem when they're spending more than a normal amount of time being concerned with it. What is a normal amount of time? It's depends on each case. As a parent you need to be the judge. Is your child's personality changing for the worse? Are they so concerned about fitting in that they're putting down kids at school? As far as the way their classmates dress, you should teach your child that other kids should be allowed to express their self in their own way as long as it's in appropriate taste.

It's normal for children to exert their own independence as far as clothes. I wouldn't make a fuss if your nine-year-old wants to wear two different colored socks to school or his T-shirt backwards or inside out. If his school is okay with it why argue about? It might be all the rage at his school. Remember to pick your battles. Would you rather a child who wore two different socks to school but who was also well mannered? Or a child who wore matching socks but screamed bloody murder if you poured too much milk in his cereal?

However, if your son wants to wear his shirt backwards at his uncle's wedding that's where you can draw the line. His appearance should not negatively reflect on another. Your child should learn to think of others. This said, as a parent you should be respectful of what your child dislikes. As long as it's not everything. Or near to it. But if they absolutely hate to wear the color yellow, don't make them wear yellow shirts. Even if you think they'll look cute. You can ask them why they don't like yellow shirts. Maybe your son will say wearing yellow embarrasses him. If so, drop it. Even if wearing yellow doesn't embarrass you. Your son is an individual, not you. If your child doesn't want to wear the cap with the tiny hearts Grandma made him/her, don't force them to wear it. Sure they can show it off for Grandma when she's at your house. But don't make them wear it out of the house if they find it embarrassing. It's hard to fit in if you feel embarrassed. This is how you create belligerency in children. Also, don't force your child to dress like you if they don't like it. I once overheard an eight-year-old girl say to her friends something like, "I can't stand it when my mom wants to do the twin thing." Meaning, wearing the same exact dress as her mother but in a smaller size. If they don't want to do it, don't push it. And don't make them feel bad. Don't force your style on your child, even if you have great fashion sense. A child learns her or his own identity through exploring. This exploring includes fashion taste. I've noticed with children that it's the school years that are critical about fitting in. Once they are in the real world with more options they don't feel the need to fit in as much.

Now if your child wants your advice on what shirt would go with what pants, give it. But let them keep their own style. You might think a certain belt would go great with the pants as well. You can tell them, but if they nix the idea, let it go. Your child is an individual not a mini-you. Now, growing up I wish I had a mother with more fashion sense. Because I didn't have much, if any. I had a friend in the same boat. Thankfully, I went to a school where I had to wear a uniform. My friend wasn't as lucky. She wished she had an aunt or an older sister who could have guided her through the fashion world in middle school. It's hard getting knocked down verbally due to what you wear, or can't afford. If your child asks for fashion help, and you can't properly give it, ask a friend or a relative to step in.

The boy who wanted to fit in. There was a little boy who wanted the other boys at school to accept him more. But he dressed, "differently." He didn't fit in. He liked to button up his shirts to the collar. And he liked wearing his pants over the waist line because it felt right. But it made his pants look like there was a flood due any moment. His mother kindly pointed out to him maybe he could try undoing his top button and wearing his pants a little lower so his socks wouldn't show. He was truly mystified that this could be the reason why the other boys thought he was a little different. He said something to the effect of, "But why is there a button on the top of my shirt if I'm not supposed to button it to the top?" He ignored his mother's advice on how to dress to fit in better. It took a kindly "cool" older relative, who this boy admired, to show him the ropes on dressing to fit in. Mind you this boy wanted help. And the help was given in way he didn't feel he was doing something stupid by the way he had been dressing. He was happy with the advice and felt more confident socially once he started being excepted by the other boys.

Last remarks: Typically a child who thinks they fit in socially has more confidence than a child who doesn't believe this. It is my belief children who feel they aren't liked or don't fit in can get depressed. They can get angry and vent their feeling by picking on other kids or causing trouble in their family. Some kids like to cause trouble because at least then they'll get noticed.