Parenting Article- Help for Kids who Bully

This is a popular topic. I rewrote this article.

Is your child inconsiderate towards others while trying to get their own way? Is your child overly pushy or aggressive towards other kids, especially those kids who don't want to do what they want to do? Then as a parent step in and have a direct talk with your child about it. Change your child's pattern of treatment towards others.

As a parent if you see your child being a bully tackle the problem straight away. Whenever you see or hear that your child threatened another in order to get their way make sure they IMMEDIATELY get a consequence. The consequence will depend on how inappropriate the behavior was. If their teacher said they were being a bully during handball again you can send your child to their room directly afterschool (they can use the bathroom first). If your child doesn't mind this consequence then give them a consequence they do mind. DO NOT make an exception to your consequence. Such as you already made their favorite dessert so you don't make this a consequence or change it when you remember that you did. Quite frankly if you do make this a consequence it will make an impression on them. That bullying doesn't pay. Be firm. If they are a bully, X happens. Teach your child that being a bully or aggressively pushy has a negative result attached. If this aggressive behavior continues then take them out of situations where they are a bully or are being annoyingly bossy. Example: Your child is in an afterschool art program and the other kids, as well as the teacher, have repeatedly complained your child is a bully. Don't shrug off this behavior thinking you paid for the program and so what. Instead take your child out of this program. Yes, you might lose money but it will help your child in the end. Your child has a right to learn how to be a kind person. A person other people like to be around. It's your job to teach them how to be that person. If your child likes the art program tell them they can go again, after awhile, if they stop bullying other kids. And if the teacher let's them back in. If your child starts bullying other kids after coming back to the program take your child out again. Also, when you see for yourself or hear it from another adult that your child is catching himself and stopping his bullying/pushy behavior, reward it. Tell him, "Nice job buddy! I like how you handled that situation appropriately. For that I'm giving you 15-20 more minutes on the computer tonight." Reward positive behavior. Then a child will be more inclined to strive for it.

Other parents in your situation: One parent told me her son was very sweet until he started associating with a new group of kids. After spending time with these kids he became belligerent and bossy, even towards his old friends. If your child suddenly becomes mean and pushy find out if they are associating with new kids or if they are suddenly having problems fitting in socially. Going from grammar school to middle school can be tough on some kids. They want to fit in, even if it means becoming quarrelsome and mean to people they previously had not been. If you notice your child's new set of friends bullying other kids then maneuver your child to a new group of friends. Enroll your child in different electives or programs so they have a chance to meet kids with kinder personalities. Another reason your child could have started being a bully is that someone else started bullying them. Your child is now taking their frustration out on another child. Watch how your child interacts with other kids starting at a young age. Is your child kind? Do they share? Or are they sassy or impolite to other kids? See for yourself what is happening. Make sure they know bullying is the wrong choice to make.

The pushy parent. This past summer I was with a friend watching her child during the child's swim lesson. As the child swam my friend asked the swim teacher a question. The teacher starting answering when another parent rudely butted in and stated she had an important issue to address, which was her child stubbornly refused to do a particular swim move. The teacher said she would be with this parent in a minute. As the teacher continued her discussion with my friend the inconsiderate parent insisted her issue was more important. She adamantly claimed it needed to be addressed right away. In actuality it didn't need to be addressed right away. I believe this parent was being aggressively pushy. I'm sure she had done this before and kept doing it because it got results. A bully might do this too. They do it to get their way. Once they don't get their way by being a bully they will curb their behavior. Remember Monkey see, Monkey do. If your child sees you or your spouse forcing your will on other adults they are more likely to do the same. Do you want your child to grow up being feared or disliked by others? Then make sure you act politely and kindly yourself. Also make sure their siblings, friends and other adults they are around act appropriately as well. Aggressively bossy behavior is not a positive social attribute. If you tend to be extremely bossy think about this: Were either of your parents aggressively pushy or overbearing when you were growing up? If they were, you might have learned this behavior from watching them.

As far as your child, do not get into the vicious cycle of letting your child repeatedly defend why they were a bully. This is a trap some parents fall into. It's nice that as parent you want to listen to your child, but make it a rule that you don't want to hear any excuses for bullying. I've seen kids try using different arguments for why they were a bully. "He wouldn't give me the ball when I asked." "She refused to get out of my way." "He knew I liked the red jelly beans." These are not reasons to scare, threaten, or intimidate others with physical harm. Do not let your child get you into a long winded discussion about why they did what they did. It was wrong. Period. You both know it. End of discussion. Later you can calmly discuss ways they could have handled the situation better. Even if you've done this before, even many times, do it again. You can add, "We've been over this before. And when I see you acting the appropriate way I will note it." If your child pouts or has a temper tantrum don't give in.