Parenting Article: Addressing Bullying and Aggressive Behavior

Addressing Bullying and Aggressive Behavior

Is your child a bully? Does your child boss other children around? Are they inconsiderate towards others and try to get their own way? Is he or she overly pushy? Or aggressive towards other kids who don't want to do what they want to do? Then as a parent step in and have a direct talk with your child about it. Change this pattern of treatment towards others.

The pushy parent. This last summer, I was watching a child I know during their swim lesson. One parent was talking to a swim teacher. Another parent rudely butted in and stated she had an important issue to address: Her child stubbornly refused to do a particular swim move. The teacher said she would be with her in a minute. When the first parent tried to continue her conversation with the swim teacher the inconsiderate parent insisted her issue was more important and it needed addressing right away. In actuality it didn't need to be addressed right away. I feel this parent was used to getting their way by being what I call aggressively pushy and was presently doing it to get her way. Now with this in mind think about this: A bully does what they do because it gets results. Do you force your will on other adults in everyday social settings? If so, work on your own behavior as well as helping your child. You do not want your child to grow up being feared or disliked by others. Aggressive bossy behavior is not a positive social attribute. If you tend to be extremely bossy think about this: Were either of your parent's aggressively pushy or overbearing when you were growing up?

As a parent if you see your child being a bully, or if their teacher tells you about this behavior, tackle the problem straight away. Whenever your child is aggressive with another, threatens a kid in order to get their way, hits a child when they don't get their way, etc. they immediately get a consequence. The consequence will depend on how inappropriate the behavior was. If they were being a bully during handball again you can send them to their room directly after-school (they can use the bathroom); or they can't have TV or computer time for that day; or they can't have dessert that night. DO NOT make an exception, such as you already made their favorite dessert so you'll let them not have dessert the next night. If you make exceptions what does this teach them? That consequences for bullying aren't set in stone. It can be navigated around. Be firm. If they are a bully X happens. Teach them that being a bully has a negative result attached. If this aggressive behavior continues then take them out of situations where they are a bully. Example: Your child is in an after-school art program where other kids and the teacher have complained about your child's behavior. You should take your child out of this program. If he/she likes the art program tell them they can go again after awhile if they will stop bullying other kids/being aggressively pushy and if the teacher let's them back in. If your child starts bullying other kids after coming back take your child out of the program again.

One parent told me her son was very sweet until he started associating with a new group of kids. Then he became belligerent and bossy, even towards his old friends. If your child suddenly becomes mean and pushy towards others find out if they are associating with a new group of kids or are suddenly having problems fitting in socially. Going from grammar school to middle school can be tough on some kids. They want to fit in, even if it means becoming quarrelsome and mean to people they previously weren't. If you notice your child's new set of friends bully other kids or tend to be aggressive then persuasively maneuver your child to a new group. Enroll your child in different classes or after-school programs so they have a chance to meet new kids with kinder personalities. Another reason your child could have started being a bully is that someone else started bullying them. They are taking their frustration out on another child. In all cases whether your child is in grammar school or middle school watch how they interact with other kids. Are they kind? Or do they boss other kids around? See for yourself what is happening. If you see your child being a bully calmly step in and diffuse the situation. Find the root of the problem if you can. But make sure they know bullying is wrong.

Also, do this for bullying/aggressive behavior- When you see for yourself, or hear it from another adult, that your child is catching him/herself as they begin to intimidate another but pull back and work things out nicely, reward it. "Nice job buddy! I like how you handled that situation appropriately. For that I'm giving you 15-20 more minutes on the computer tonight." Reward positive behavior. Then a child will be more inclined to strive for it.

Lastly, do not get into the vicious cycle of letting your child repeatedly defend why they were a bully. This is a trap many parents fall into. It's nice that as parent you want to listen to your child, but make a rule, "I don't want to hear any excuses for your bullying. There is no defense for it." I've seen kids try using different arguments for why they were a bully. "He wouldn't give me the ball when I asked." "She refused to get out of my way." "He knew I liked the red jelly beans." These are not reasons to scare another, threaten them with physical harm, or to do actually physical harm to another. Do not let your child get you into a long winded discussion about why they did what they did. It was wrong, period. You both know it. End of discussion. If they don't get in a fuss, you can calmly discuss ways they could have handled the situation better. Even if you've done this before, even many times, repeat it. You can add, "We've been over this before. And when I see you acting the appropriate way I will note it." If your child pouts or has a temper tantrum, cover this ground later.