Parenting Article about Lying

Is it Okay to Lie to Your Kids?

Is it okay to lie to your children? To answer this let us first be clear what a lie constitutes as. It is an untruth. But it can also be an excuse. It is wrong to lie to EXCUSE behavior. But I feel telling a story, like about Santa Claus, is different than telling a lie. It involves make believe and is told to make children smile. It is not told to excuse behavior. That is where the difference lies. Now some parents will not tell their children imaginary tales about Santa Claus; how he comes down a chimney to bring children presents and so on. These parents say they do not do it because it is wrong to tell false tales to kids. This is a fair argument, but my mom told me about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and I had no problem with it. I understood the difference between make believe and real. Which is the key. A real lie involves reality. Plus, knowing about Santa Claus never hurt me, even when I figured it out that Santa did not really come down chimneys. A lie which is told to excuse behavior can make people sad and make the teller seem untrustworthy. Since my mom did not lie to me about normal everyday things, like where she was afterschool or what she made for dinner, her tall tale about imaginary characters did not affect her creditability with me. I also knew she did not tell me about Santa Claus to hide from a wrong she did. A true lie, I feel, is told to conceal ones conduct.

So what about parents who lie to their kids about something they did as a kid or in college? If they are lying to conceal inappropriate behavior then I believe it is wrong. They can try to justify their lie all they want, but the bottom line is they are trying to conceal their behavior. Their rationalization of the lie is really just an excuse for telling it. An example of this: I read an article in a parenting magazine about lying. The writer said she would never tell her kids about her drug use in college even if she had to lie about it. She did not want them to know she did it so she tried to defend why she would lie. I got the feeling she was more worried about how her kids would think of her than how drugs can affect the mind. In any case, embarrassment can propel a person to lie. So can fear. Many times fear and lying go hand and hand. Some parents want to appear like the perfect role model to their kids. But parents have flaws. They are not super heroes. You can be a great parent and still tell your kids, when they are old enough, that you unfortunately did X in college. If they ask. You can tell them how it affected your grades, etc. This knowledge hopefully will have a positive impact on them. Maybe they will think, "Man, I should not do dope in college. Dad said he flunked out of school because of it." Or, "I better not plagiarize a term paper like Mom. If the teacher finds out I could get kicked out of school." Children respect honest parents. If you want your child to respect you, be honest with them. If you do not want your kids to rationalize away their lies, do not do it yourself. And remember if you tell a lie to your kids what if they find out? I personally have seen a parent get caught in a lie. She tried to squirm her way out and white wash it. But it can look worse for you in the long run. Lying so you look better in the eyes of your child is a way of coping out. You just do not want to deal with the situation so you revert to lying because that is the easiest way out. But being a parent is not about taking the simplest way out.

A final note: If something happened to you or someone in your family which is a private matter, then I believe you need not discuss it with your kids. But do not lie to them. The best thing to do is: Do not bring the topic up or if it does come up tell your child it is a personal issue and does not concern them. Children need to learn not to be nosy. They need to learn to be considerate of others people's business. Yours. Their cousin's. Grandma's. And the neighbor's down the street.